I’ve had a bit of a catch up with my teenage self this week. It wasn’t hard as I just had to dig out my diary. I kept a diary from age 14-18 and let me tell you it was interesting reading! Since starting my Facebook account this year I’ve been contacted by a few school friends and it’s been lovely to hear from them. It got me thinking though, and trying to remember, but try as I could, I couldn’t grasp the dates, the events, the order. It’s all a blur of big hair, butterflies and awkwardness. The diary helped filled in some of the gaps. Younger me was insecure, at times full of woe and feeling that I didn’t fit in. I moved from Scotland to the north east when I was 11 and it was a big deal for little me. Everything seemed different and I missed my friends, the countryside and the peace. I couldn’t understand the accent – I remember one lass saying, “Giz a ket”, and I had no clue what she was on about, but she seemed scary so I offered her a sweet and bingo, we were okay. From age 16 onwards I had a lot more fun 🤩 full of music concerts, camping, boys, boys and well mostly boys ha! Age 17 I actually wrote a letter to my middle aged self! I have no memory of writing it but this was perfect timing, dusting it off to read it for the first time in decades. I must have known, that when I had teens myself, that I’d need the advice. I’m not going to share it all -hi mum and dad 😬- but here are a few corkers from the list of what not to do as a parent of teens written by teen me….
1. Don’t wear sad clothes (!)
2. Don’t be a hypocrite eg don’t tell your kids not to swear then swear yourself
3. Recognise when your child needs to be alone and doesn’t want to talk
4. Allow them privacy
5. Don’t have choddy ornaments and posters around the house that will majorly embarrass your kids (!)
6. Let them stay to the end at nightclubs, as leaving at midnight is embarrassing
7. Don’t go on about sexual matters before a date – a brief chat is all that is needed on one occasion
7. Don’t go on about revising as it just adds to the pressure
And so it continues – ha ha! Clearly, parents are just very embarrassing and over protective. I was struck by how similar I was to my own kids now, when in my memory I was completely different! Staying up far too late, not revising or doing essays until the last minute- maybe it’s a bit like pregnancy – the teenage hormones warp your memory. I don’t recall feeling stressed about life but I read that I was at times- it was a too familiar tale of the heavy combo of school, exams, friends, work, and extra curricular (music for me – I was certainly not sporty!) it all weighed me down and I craved fun and the holidays and when they came- I made up for it. It’s a reminder to let them be, let them rest and be in control, because so much of their lives is out of their control.
It’s so strange now having teenagers when at times I don’t feel much older myself. Do you ever have those out of body moments- they scare the poop out of me – but thankfully they are fleeting. Dissociation is where you temporarily lose touch with reality, feel disconnected from the self or feel distant from the self. My heart races at those times, as I momentarily realise that I’m at parent and I am responsible for two other lives than my own. It’s hard to describe unless you’ve experienced it yourself but it’s as though I’m both observer and the incapable subject at the same time. Deep breaths and grounding plus self talk helps me come back to the present.
As I watch my kids with their insecurities, their budding dreams and hopes, it all comes back as if it were yesterday. Their first dip into romantic relationships, well I say romantic but snap chat and Insta are hardly romantic. In this accessible, disposable society everything is there, accessible, one text and you’re in. Or you’re out. I see their angst, hear the gossip, watch their pain, and I’m thankful that life stage is in the past for me. I try to console and reassure but of course, a mother’s words are like rainfall, they evaporate and barely make any impact. It’s difficult feeling so powerless to protect them or have any influence. I have to sit back and hope that the messages previously given, and still futilely given, permeate to some degree. There’s fierce independence, quite rightly so, as they want to find their own path, make their own mark and they teach me things, so much, about this new world.
As I read my diary, I massively empathised with my parents, now a parent myself. I’m moved to read the little cards and notes they both left me in my bedroom, sometimes after a fight or disappointment, sometimes before an exam or new venture. Encouraging me all the way. I feel blessed to have had this support and think how much harder being a teen must be when you don’t have this. At the time I appreciated it, sure, but not half as much as I do now looking back. As a parent you’re constantly worrying whether you’re approaching it right and the push back from your teen can make it feel like you’re definitely not. It takes a lot of compassion and energy to stay patient, kind and forgiving, to shake off the emotional tirades and not react defensively. I don’t always manage it. I know that I’m better at it when I’m okay in myself and when I’m rested. It might feel like a futile task but we’re helping to form an imprint within our teens, writing a message into their nervous systems,
“I am lovable even when I’m at my worst”
“I can make mistakes and be forgiven”
“I am accepted for who I am”
“It’s okay to feel”
“I am worthy”
“I can be brave”
Such important messages and some of them are imprinted stronger than others in me personally. That’s not just because of my upbringing but friends, school, society and a whole host of other influences and messages about being female. We’re trying to mitigate against these external influences as parents and that’s hard as the subliminal messages are everywhere – you have to be perfect at everything, be slim, toned, beautiful, have it all the career, the family, sometimes it feels like there’s no choice in these matters. No teens will ever read this I’m sure but if you are – you are already enough! You have choices, and you are worthy.
As I watch my own children they also remind me of the spirit of youth, the world their oyster, having fun is a priority. Today my 15 year old daughter went on her first adventure abroad without us. She’s off to Iceland with explorer scouts. I feel a mix of anxiety, pride, excitement and envy! With age comes responsibility and mundanity and it’s no wonder that in midlife many women seek more. More excitement, more fulfilment, more adventure. I was quite an adventurous little thing you know (you’ll laugh, I know, that’s okay). I’ll not bore you with my teen and twenty something antics but it involved finally getting married in Fiji. I was 25, a slip of a thing when you think about it. We’d been together since I was 20 and I was head over heels when he proposed. We’ve pretty much grown up together, settled down, had babies and now they’re teens, not far from the age we were when we first met, which is a bit mind blowing. Now that our children are less dependent on us and almost have their own lives, the task of going back to the beginning unfolds, rediscovering our relationship, before children. In not so many years it’ll just be the two of us and it’s very understandable to question will we make it? I’ll be honest we’ve had to work on this, prioritise time together and snatch moments when we’re not giving lifts or waiting to pick up, to just go for a walk or grab a bite to eat but invariably we end up having a good chat or a right laugh. Laughter helps- when you’re on the same wave length and sometimes a look is all that suffices to erupt into fits. I think we will make it. You invest a lot don’t you. It’s a lot of emotional energy, the work, the parenting, the stress- it brings you closer when you share it all. It’s a constant process of Ying and Yang though, give and take. Constant team work, communication and compromise. Certainly the time of craziness, impulsivity and passion has past (well unless you serve me a rather large Prosecco) but that doesn’t mean it’s any less precious. In fact I think in many ways it becomes better. The merging of two souls. It’s still possible to find the adventure and have fun though so this has been a good prompt to book that in, prioritise it, as midlife doesn’t have to be just about responsibilities.
All these musings … I’m working it all out… through this transition that is midlife, much like a teen, opening up, discovering herself, sometimes confused and overwhelmed. I think I needed this catch up with my inner teen to help me on this journey. She’s reminding me to stay adventurous, to embrace all the feelings and mixed emotions and trust that this passage will lead somewhere that I don’t yet know but it’s a place where I will know myself even better than before ❤️.
Sea change 