Here it is, that familiar feeling. “Sorry honey mum’s got to go to work, I have a meeting I can’t rearrange and I’ll be quick as I can”, justifying the decision you’ve made to go, to not let the other party down, to not set yourself back because that’s the only time they could make this month, and they seem to be feeling a bit better, but it leaves an uneasy, sickly feeling that doesn’t budge. As you kiss their warm forehead the feeling intensifies like a jab to the stomach and then depending on whether you’ve slept (unlikely because you’re probably the one who was up with them all night) tears will fall as you’re driving away, questioning every decision, worrying if they’ll be okay, planning what you’ll do for every eventuality if they call or text, and considering what you’ll say to work, “I’m so sorry I’ve got to go”, and for me the final layer of concern, is always, “How is this effecting them long term, is it healthy to build resilience or do they need the support, the comfort and now I’m not there?” All this wrestling and angst is so familiar.
It starts during pregnancy or even before if you’ve planned your pregnancy. “Am I okay with eating this cheese?”, “Can I still do this exercise?” “Should I be resting?” “How much maternity leave should I take?” It goes on and on. Or at least my brain does. I sometimes wish I was less of a thinker, that I could just sit and be, without thinking of a million different things. Maybe I am more prone to worry, yet, I bet most women carry this mother’s guilt around with them too. It’s strange how mother’s guilt can fuel the incessant need to have everything together, maybe to overcompensate by organising and taking responsibility for things. Maybe this is easier as it’s something we can do instead of addressing the guilty feelings. Guilt is an emotion and all emotions have a survival function. The function of guilt is reparation. Without guilt we wouldn’t apologise or have remorse when we do something wrong. This would rupture relationships leaving us isolated and ultimately at greater risk away from the tribe. It’s a more complex emotion than fear, but just as strong and motivating. Guilt is then appropriate when we do something wrong. We must therefore ask ourselves, why do we feel guilty when we go to work and leave our somewhat sick child at home or with another carer? I say somewhat sick because sometimes you just don’t know what’s going on. It’s a bit easier when they’re very ill, for me there’s no question, I cancel everything. But day two or three or four…? It’s not just guilt though is it. It’s a complex mix of worry, frustration and guilt. I think it’s feeling torn that causes the distress. We cannot give either our child or the work our full attention because our brains are multi tasking. It’s also the lack of choice, a forced decision, plus resentment that men just leave for work, with non of the angst.
Research consistently shows that women do the most emotional and mental labour in heterosexual relationships. That means the planning, organising, worrying and multi tasking. “The mental load is that thread that brings the family into your work life,” says Leah Ruppanner, an associate professor of sociology at the University of Melbourne and author of Motherlands. It’s the constant low-level worry about whether we’re doing enough and the impact our parenting will have on our child’s future. “You’re always trying to mitigate future risk.” (Source Melissa Hogenboom, The Motherhood Complex). Women aren’t naturally better at organising and multitasking but because we often end up doing this, we may become better at these things. So why do we do it? Maternal gate keeping? It’s down to a combination of gendered expectations from birth, societal views on motherhood ideals (ie women are judged more harshly than men for certain things like tidiness). Therefore there are more costs to a woman if things go wrong than for a man, “Oh Dad did her hair” and they all laugh. Woman therefore are responsible for the successful outcomes of the family and we don’t want to be perceived negatively. So we make it our job to make it work.
The costs of this “maternal gate keeping” are great though. Women are more prone to burnout and stress. Because they are exhausted with carrying the load at home they have less energy and enthusiasm at work and may start reducing hours or not applying for or getting promotions and the work inequalities widen. Men who take paid paternity leave go on to do more childcare during the marriage, so setting a precedent early on might be the way to go. Surely the tide is turning?
Ladies, change starts with you. Your partners, and your sons and daughters, what they see and experience will ultimately shape their attitudes and behaviour. Me? I’m working on it. This research shows that we’re largely doing it to ourselves! We take it all on, because we don’t want to be viewed badly by others, we don’t want our little one to not turn up in non uniform 😱 and we do want them to have healthy meals and to experience all that life has to offer to its fullest. I’m here to tell you that men probably want these things too. They just don’t need to worry about it because we are the gatekeepers apparently who appear to have it all under control. This is just not fair though and will eventually tip you over the edge. Same sex couples can do it, so it is possible to split 50/50. So how do we go about doing this?
1. Open communication is key. We need to explicitly identify and spell out what the mental and emotional load is so that everyone can see what the tasks, worries and responsibilities are.
2. Delegate. Everyone (kids too if they’re old enough, but even young children can cope with some level of responsibility) need to know what their responsibilities are. Let’s let external care givers, grandparents, aunts and uncles, nannies, friends and out of school club, whatever help us out and not feel bad about it! In other societies raising a child is the responsibility of the group, not just one person. Remember that a calmer, rested you is better for everyone, plus it’s healthy for children to develop external relationships and socialise with other kids. I made this mistake when mine were tiny. I tried to do everything, thinking it was my duty to always be there, and it was exhausting.
3. Be okay with failure 😬 me no likey this one. It’s true though, that part of the reason we try to be all to all is we’re trying to protect ourselves and our kids from failure. If I don’t leave their books out they’ll forget their homework and get into trouble. If I don’t get home they’ll not get in because they’ve probably forgotten their key. The unintended consequence of this however is that we burn out, and cut our own needs short. They don’t learn problem solving and resilience, and failure is not avoidable anyway so we’re not doing them any favours.
4. If we don’t want to be judged, let’s start with ourselves. There’s two parts to this. Let’s practice catching ourselves every time we’re about to pass judgement, be it about a celebrity, someone in the street, someone’s hair style or clothes and remind ourselves to live and let live. Maybe offer a kind smile to the mum of the screaming toddler or the frazzled shop attendant. It starts with us. Secondly, can we catch ourselves judging ourselves? This one might be trickier, but next time we’re worrying about what people might think, question, “Is this train of thought helping me right now?”, remind ourselves that “they love me for who I am, not how tidy my house is”, and remind ourselves, “I am enough”. Let’s give ourselves a pat on the back for all the things we’re facing with courage and perseverance.
5. If you implement something new and it doesn’t initially stick at home, don’t give up and revert to doing everything, because it’s easier to do it yourself. I’m writing from experience here! It might be a case of reminding everyone of the expectations and responsibilities. I’m all for a family meeting. Not too frequently but when we have them everyone knows it’s important. Anyone can ask for one and everyone respects each other and has a voice. Usually it’s pretty amicable and over within a few minutes. This way we talk about and agree things when we’re calm. These little nudges every now and then are more effective than me losing the plot every day and nagging to just flipping bring your washing down ha!
6. Linked to the last point, consequences can help your cause. That is, if you didn’t bring your washing down then no, that top is not clean and ironed, okay that’s a lie I rarely iron (what’s the point they just shove it back in their wardrobe?) but I know that I am a push over sometimes and just do it to avoid the conflict….
7. Now the guilt. The guilt that we feel because we’re not there, and have chosen to do something for ourselves or prioritised work over staying at home. What do we do with the feelings? Trust yourself that the decision you made, was based on a process of weighing everything up and on balance and given the circumstances it is the best decision. Once the decision is made and you act on it, it’s final and therefore there’s no looking back. Try to catch yourself looking back or ruminating and call it out, “I’m ruminating and it’s keeping me feeling awful”, and try to nip it in the bud. Then counter that guilt with self compassion and deep breaths,
“It’s really hard being Mum, and I didn’t consciously accept full responsibility for everything that happens in this family”
“They’ll be fine for …..reasons and contingencies I put in place”
“I’m doing the best I can”
Then compassionate behaviour involves readying Dad too so that it’s not all on you. Can you agree to take a day each while your child is off to be responsible? Sometimes Dad’s job will have to trump all, because it’s sort of set in, inflexible and now annoyingly very difficult to change. This doesn’t mean there is zero wiggle room though. It also doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to share how hard it is with them so you at the very least have emotional support.
As I’m writing this I’m en route to work. Yes only week two and I have a poorly teen at home (I thought this would get easier as they get older?!) In between writing I’m fielding texts “Have you left already? I’m a bit hungry, what could I eat? Ok I’ll try to look at my homework”… Trying hard to practice what I’m preaching but it’s hard. Really I just want to be at home. Because that would allay the guilt. In my wise mind I know that they’re fine watching Netflix chomping on cheerio’s.
Note: I can only write from my perspective which is white, married, privileged, 2.4 kids and often this feels inadequate to say the least. My heart goes out to single mums, doing it all, to the single Dads doing it all and to those in same sex relationships- we need advice please 🙏 you seem to have this sorted!
Sea change 