Feeling disheartened, bored or lost? You’re not alone. During midlife and Perimenopause women often experience a sense of dissatisfaction which can affect mood. During this stage of life, lots of changes are occurring in our bodies, yes, but also in our minds as we adapt to these changes and in our lives. Often our children are growing up or have flown the nest and to some extent need us less. I mean they still need us but not in the way that you have barely any time to yourself like when they were little. Increasingly you might have more time to yourself and you might spend less time doing stuff as a family. You might begin to feel like your role as Mum has turned into one of a housemaid, chauffeur, chef and occasional therapist. At work too, if you’ve been in the same role for a while you might begin to feel stagnant or bored. Or perhaps you enjoy your job but beyond that there’s little else. I know I got to the stage where I asked myself the question, “Is this it?” The thought of another twenty years until retirement, when I could eventually choose what I wanted to do with my time, filled me with panic and dread. What also filled me with panic and dread was the thought that I wouldn’t know what to do when that time comes. “What hobbies do I have? Would I play bowls, golf or tennis, no I don’t think that’s me… what do I like again?” Paradoxically I also felt that life was hurtling along like a rollercoaster off it’s track. By the time you reach midlife you might have navigated many changes, loss, illness, divorce and these experiences shape our world view and remind us of our short time on this earth. You might reminisce about days gone by, the fun you had in your 20s, the travel, adventure, the gigs, the new people, the lack of fear and gumption you had, where has that gone? Why am I so scared now? Will I ever do anything crazy again? What have I achieved? Then as life becomes duller these thoughts might turn into fantasies of disappearing off somewhere or having an affair or worst of all feelings of hopelessness or thoughts of suicide. It’s so easy to maintain an exterior that makes people believe that you’re okay, when you’re really not and this is exhausting, day in, day out pretending that everything’s fine. This is your armour, which you use to protect yourself and others and inside you dismiss your feelings, “Why am I stressing over this?” “Just get on with it”. Ladies, if this is you, please reach out. Hope is not lost. You are certainly not alone. In fact I’d go so far as to say all women feel like this at some point in midlife but many are afraid to say or do anything about it. We need to normalise these feelings and conversations instead of harbouring anxiety, guilt or anger and resentment.
According to Erikson’s theory, between the ages of 40 and 65 years old, we are in the seventh stage of psychosocial development. Erikson hypothesised that at each stage of development in life we face a challenge. By resolving each challenge or dilemma, we develop a set of strengths that equip us as we move forward in life. The challenge of the midlife stage is said to be generativity vs stagnation. Generativity is the need to feel that you have made your mark on the world, either through caring for others, like family or through creativity and accomplishing things to make the world a better place. Stagnation refers to the failure to find a way to contribute to the world. Stagnation is characterised by feeling disconnected or uninvolved with society. Research suggests many health benefits associated with generativity whereas stagnation is linked to poorer cognitive, physical and mental health and loneliness.
Generativity is characterised by….
1. Feeling involved. Participating.
2. Feeling a sense of pride in what you do.
3. Noticing and taking responsibility for addressing this gap if there is one
4. Feeling productive
5. Contributing your skills
Although midlife can feel like you are stagnating (nice word – not! Makes me think of a dull, lifeless pool of brown water), it can be a time of reflection and regeneration. We always have fallow periods in life, where the work and busyness stops for a time. This is one of those times. You’ve climbed that career ladder, raised your kids, proven yourself in both these areas during your 30s and early 40s. Then what? Midlife is a chance to take stock, refocus and then move forward. Brene Brown describes midlife as an unraveling, not an acute crisis. She says,
“Midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear:
I’m not screwing around. All of this pretending and performing—these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt—has to go. Your armour is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armour could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy and lovable, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever. Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through your veins. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.”
Pretty inspiring huh? It’s time to show up and be seen. It’s time to have adventures and to be daring and courageous. To do this we need to throw off our armour, our fears and insecurities, about what might happen if we fail or what others might think or say about us.
So here are some questions to ask yourself in midlife:
1. If I was not scared what would be the first thing I’d do?
2. What have I always wished I could do but thought I couldn’t or that it wasn’t me?
3. If money was no object, what would I be doing right now?
4. What is important to me that I’m not spending enough time on?
5. What is one small thing I could do this week that would light me up and invigorate me?
For me, I needed to jump in a canoe and paddle out of that stagnant, brown pond. I’ve talked about values in a few blogs now, but if you’re feeling like I was, you might be thinking well I don’t know what my values are, I feel like I’ve lost myself a bit and I don’t actually know anymore, what’s the armour and, what’s authentically me. Values are our passions, the ideas and issues that ignite the fire in our bellies. There are no right or wrong or better values, instead they’re as individual as you are. When our lives are aligned with our values we feel fulfilled and our lives have purpose. Our values are the compass towards which we can direct our actions and efforts in order to feel fulfilled. When we are living contrary to those values we feel stifled and unsatisfied, for example if you value time with family but are always working, or if you love learning but are in a job where there are no opportunities for this. You might value the environment and nature but have no time to nurture this or you might be imaginative and creative but work in a monotonous job.
There are loads of questionnaires online about values but sometimes the best way is to ask yourself, when do I feel most content (let me guess- cold glass of wine, in the sun, preferably looking at a beautiful view?) or consider the times in your life when you’ve felt most proud, happy or accomplished. Think about who, when, where, what and this might start to give you some clues about what’s important to you. It’s also useful to think about what obstructs you from these values. Or who. Be honest about whether your current lifestyle is concurrent with your or someone else’s values. Once you identify yours, this can bring clarity. You might be able to identify goals for change, small or big. You might need to communicate with those nearest about these goals and at this point, it becomes apparent who is in it with you for the long haul. Those who love you enough to maybe let go a little, or change things up a little. When you begin to do this, you start to take the control back, you’re in the driving seat, no longer a passenger on someone else’s ride. Remember that your values can change over time, so if you identify different things now at this point in your life, it’s not that what you chose before wasn’t right for then. So no regrets. When things change, when you change, you need to move with the process. As they say, the best is yet to come. So don’t lose hope, don’t feel like it’s all down hill from here, because there’s so much still to learn, discover and experience and it’s waiting for you to jump in, both feet.
Photo by Harrison Haines from Pexels: https://www.pexels.com/photo/kayak-on-river-in-sunset-time-7615952/
Sea change 