The term boundaries is bounded around quite a bit isn’t it? What do we mean by boundaries and setting them and why do we need to, plus how do we go about this, especially if it’s something we struggle with?
During Perimenopause we are facing a lot of physical and emotional change due to fluctuations in hormones, life stage and the situation we find ourselves in during our 30s, 40s or 50s. Where some women may sail through barely noticing the changes, many will find this a challenging time, requiring adaptations to lifestyle, work and relationships. The latter was true for me and whilst I was unaware that I was in Perimenopause, I did realise that things needed to change- both at work and at home- because the strategies that I’ve automatically adopted in those environments were not serving me any more. So what are my default strategies? These are the survival strategies that we all develop through a combination of necessity and learning as we’re growing up. For example if you have grown up in an environment where emotions are swept under the carpet, your survival strategy might be to learn to swallow your emotions or if you’ve had a parent who was strict or domineering you may learn to be a good girl and always do or say the right thing, for others. Maybe you can relate to some of these or maybe you can identify your own strategies that aren’t serving you any more:
1. People pleasing
Because of my personality style I’m very attuned to other people, that’s not meant to be a boast but it’s something I’m aware of. If there’s something off with someone I’ll sense it, if they’re not comfortable or unhappy my radar will pick it up and it will trigger within me a need to alleviate this. I’m sure this stems from various early relationships so a combination of nature and nurture rewarding this trait. It came in very useful at work as a clinical psychologist and I do see it as a strength, however it can mean that I get myself involved where I shouldn’t do and can take on responsibility where I shouldn’t. I’ve been in some tricky situations! It can also trigger worry and overthinking often around me doing or saying the wrong thing, and a whole spiral can occur if I’m not careful. This default strategy started to not serve me any more because always saying yes at work meant that I became overwhelmed, particularly in the context of Perimenopause.
2. Looking after others but not yourself
Similar to people pleasing is this one, focussing all the love and care outwards (I sound like a right one oo I’m this caring selfless person but wait for the next part ha!) This is another survival strategy where you can wind up burning yourself out if you’re not careful. The thing with both of these is that no one gives you a certificate or badge, or says please stop helping me out, and no one but you sees the big picture ie the size of the total number of people or tasks so you become the helpful, go to person. Now I don’t resent this nor do I want people in my life to think I don’t want to help when I do. It gives me an enormous amount of satisfaction to be able to help if I can and it’s one of my core values, and this has not changed and will not. What has changed is how I go about this and put healthier boundaries in place now to prevent taking on too much.
3. Emotion suppression
As I’ve mentioned in my Perimenopause and low mood blog, I’ve sometimes felt ashamed of my emotionality and not being able to control it if I’m angry, (which used to be once in a blue moon), tears will usually come. I think this is a combo of not being assertive from the outset, feeling stressed, not letting others know for fear of upsetting them and then woops it all comes out in one sitting ha! And usually this outburst would happen at home with my nearest and dearest despite them not being to blame. Due to the nature of my work I could not reveal my own emotions in the clinic room, well to an extent you do as you need to be authentic and not robotic, but the space is held for the client and this meant large chunks of my life, spent not addressing what was going on inside me. This is in spite of having amazing supervision in place both with peers and a gorgeous colleague, practicing being mindful and slowing down. We mustn’t berate ourselves as we look back and notice though. We’re all just here doing the best we can with what we’ve got. Again I feel that I was on a mostly even keel until Perimenopause knocked me, then I have needed to look at ensuring I tweak the way I deal with things to be able to manage better. This has meant that I’ve needed to find space to truly connect to my emotions and vulnerable self and for me that meant taking time off work.
4. Keeping others at a distance
If you’ve been hurt in the past in relationships it’s understandable that one of your default survival strategies would be to keep people at arms’ length, never letting anyone get too close. You might even have lots of people in your life but maybe no one, even those closest to you, really know you, your insecurities, fears and worries, your hopes and dreams. Maybe you don’t even allow yourself to dream because disappointment would be too painful. Whilst it is very understandable to keep a barrier between self and others this can lead to isolation, loneliness and feeling misunderstood. Maybe you’ve had your fingers burnt and vowed never to allow yourself to be vulnerable again. Reaching out to others can be so healing though and support you through this phase.
5. Linked to distancing and emotional suppression, another similar survival strategy is keeping busy and on the go. This taps into the brain’s drive system, temporarily providing relief from the emotions of the stress system. This is another that I can relate to and I often catch myself rushing from one task to the next. Sorting and organising, I would never consciously choose to do and yet sometimes I find myself manically tidying (sometimes it’s fuelled by the shame of someone coming round ha!) and have to say stop! What are you doing? You’re tired – go get your pjs on …. Ahhhh pjs… It is understandable because it offers distraction, it offers an easy reward, ta da look what you achieved, cross that off the to do list. Little burst of dopamine to keep you going. Work might be a hugely important part of your identity and so no wonder spending time there, working hard and working long hours will boost that part of the self. This part can be fragile however and burn out is likely if it’s at the expense of rest and knowing your true worth is not based on achievements or productivity. There is another part of the self who is just as in need of your psychological energy who is feeling vulnerable and ignored. Slowing down and just being will allow you to connect to this part and help her heal. Ask her what she needs.
6. Other survival strategies might include other dopamine related hits like exercise, addictions, alcohol, food, gambling, sex, anything that gives you a buzz and helps in the short term but afterwards might feed back into shame or low mood plus as before allows you to ignore your vulnerable struggling self.
Essentially a default survival strategy is a behaviour, something that you do without thought or evaluation because it has become hardwired into your brain because it works- it provides temporary relief or avoidance of emotional pain. All of these strategies are attempts to help ourselves with life and how we’re feeling but they have unintended consequences which might keep us stuck and perpetuate distress. At some point, for me it was Perimenopause changes, they’ll not work anymore and you might feel destabilised. Once we identify our own default strategies we can try to stop and change the way we deal with things to hopefully feel better. It’s important to remain compassionate especially when those default strategies creep in again as they will under stress or lack of sleep and during difficult times. Compassionate self correction involves noticing and gently redirecting towards healthier strategies without criticism.
Boundaries
Developing healthy boundaries is often a key part of this process, helping to create healthier strategies for living. A boundary is a limit, a rule that we set for ourselves within relationships or within ourselves.
Boundaries can be split into three categories – rigid, porous and healthy. A person with healthy boundaries can both say no to others when they need to but can also let others in and be comfortable with close relationships.
1. Rigid boundaries
Avoids intimacy and close relationships.
Unlikely to ask for help.
Has few close relationships.
Very protective of personal information or defensive.
May seem detached, even with romantic partners.
Keeps others at a distance to avoid the possibility of rejection or abandonment
2. Porous
Overshares personal information.
Difficulty saying “no” to others.
Overinvolved with other’s problems.
Dependent on the opinions of others.
might be more likely to tolerate abuse or disrespect.
Fears rejection if they do not comply with others.
3. Healthy
Values own opinions.
Doesn’t compromise values for others.
Shares personal information in an appropriate way (does not over or under share).
Knows personal wants and needs, and can communicate them.
Accepting when others say “no” to them.
For me and most people I’d say I have a mix of each type and this often depends on the context, where you might have more rigid boundaries at work, healthy at home or a mix of all three within family. The terms are not strict categories, merely a useful guide to consider in each environment you interact in.
Skills to achieve healthy boundaries
The skills required to maintain healthy boundaries include good communication and clarity, assertiveness, compassion, tact, self awareness and empathy. We need to be clear with what we expect and feel comfortable with from others and for ourselves. We need to be able to express this, at the outset in a clear and kind way, and we need to enquire the same from others. For example in a work setting, discussing working hours, family responsibilities, thoughts on working from home, size of workload which feels manageable and feeling able to speak up when work’s expectations are different to your own. Clarity means being honest and clear about the reasons why you have a boundary in place, but importantly, assertiveness means sticking to your boundary even when someone is trying to move it. This is a form of self care and self compassion. It is not about being rigid and making a list of demands, instead it’s about openly discussing your needs and appreciating that the other person has needs too. A final skill that is needed therefore might be negotiation, which does not mean compromising your boundary, instead discussing together ways to meet in the middle or work around this so that both parties feel safe and understood.
It’s not easy. We’re talking about potentially changing the way you interact with people and have done over a lifetime. It is common where people have experienced trauma in all forms to really struggle with boundaries understandably. It is also common to have a low sense of self worth which can explain why you feel you don’t deserve good care. If this is you, this can be a good goal for therapy, and you might need to do this after working through or processing past experience. Starting at the beginning and building self compassion and knowing your worth.
Because it’s a complex area and you might feel uneasy trying to shift it, it might be best to pick one area, or one person, and really ask yourself what you want and need, if you could scratch everything and start over, ideally what would this look like? Then think about where you are relative to this and what needs to happen for you to feel more comfortable or how to work or live within the boundary you have identified. One small change can lead to another and gain momentum.
For me I started working on ways to say no…. This was a big one but has been so liberating. I remember sharing this with a client at the time as she too was struggling with the actual mechanics of politely saying no and was concerned about hurting the other person’s feelings. A big thing to accept here is that you might. They might be disappointed, they might have to ask someone else and that’s okay- your needs are just as important- not more than other peoples’, but equal to. Therefore you have a right to say no. I remember googling “How to say no politely” and then I started to have a go….
“I’ve got a lot on my plate at the moment so wouldn’t have time to do that justice…”
“I’m chuffed that you’ve asked me thank you but I can’t”
“I’m sorry I’m not able to right now”
“I’m not taking on anything new right now”
“Thanks for thinking of me but I can’t”
“No thank you but it sounds lovely”
“Thanks but maybe another time”
“Ask me in a month”
“Come back to me next season”
“I can’t I’m up to my ears”
“Can I have a think and get back to you?”
This last one was important for me as it buys time in the heat of the moment where my natural impulse would be to appease. I didn’t want to start automatically saying no to everything however so this gives a way to think about it when you’re not on the spot. Signposting is another way to delegate and still help the person to get some help if that’s what they need. This was especially helpful for me at work as I didn’t want to be completely unhelpful. Maybe the first couple of times that I tried this were the most difficult, but like everything it becomes easier when you discover that the other person doesn’t get cross, will still approach you for help, will still be a friend, and the world didn’t collapse because I didn’t help! I actually think that it’s often better for the other person when you are clear and upfront. People know where they stand when you have clear boundaries and it can be frustrating when someone initially says yes then pulls out or doesn’t commit either way. So you’re doing them a favour!
I hope that if some of this resonates with you that you’ll find a way to chip away at this. During perimenopause we need to look after ourselves and boundaries are a compassionate way to do this, allowing us space and time to process what we’re experiencing.
Photo by Jure Širić: https://www.pexels.com/photo/woman-wearing-black-long-sleeved-shirt-sitting-on-green-grass-field-691919/
Sea change 