You may or may not be aware of your inner self critic but we all have one. It may shout loudly and harshly like a bully or it might simply sound like your own inner voice. It might sound like someone else’s voice… from a long while back, a harsh parent or teacher or bully. Or maybe you’re not aware of yours but you experience a sickly feeling in your stomach and a sense that you’ve done something wrong or a sense of shame or dread. These are cues that your self critic is online chipping, nipping away, “You’re so stupid/ugly/fat/lazy”, “How could you not see that/ what were you thinking/ you eat too much/ not enough/you upset everyone/you disappoint people”, “You need to do better/try harder next time/ work more/ get more organised/ get a grip/ sort yourself out”, you might be able to add your own here. You might even say this out loud to yourself sometimes, or to others and it might follow an apology, “Sorry, I’m useless!”
So why do we have a self critic? What’s the point if it’s so rude, harsh and unhelpful? And why do we accept what it is saying without question and how does this affect us? Read on my friend.
During the Perimenopause, the period leading up to the menopause, we go through a phase of shift and change. Our hormones are gradually reducing but this is not a linear process, instead our hormones fluctuate wildly, resulting in haywire for many functions within the woman’s body including erratic periods, changes to cognitive function, sleep, libido, mood, and causing joint pain, headaches, and tiredness. It is very common for women to experience loss of confidence, low mood and anxiety. Studies show that those with higher levels of self criticism may be more vulnerable to experience low mood on entering this challenging phase.
So if you’ve struggled with your inner critic before, then the Perimenopause will certainly give it more reason to have a go at you. Believe it or not, there is a function to the self critic. You might be able to identify the function of yours by asking yourself what you’d be like if you didn’t have one. People usually say something like, “Well I’d end up lazy or an emotional wreck or not care”. You see like every part of us, the self critic is geared towards survival. This means that it’s actually on our side, pushing us to do better, and to avoid perceived failure or humiliation. It’s just that the way it goes about it is harsh and insensitive. Where there’s a critic there’s always a criticised on the receiving end of the harsh words. It might sound strange to say that both of these exist in our brains but we are all complex multi dimensional beings made up of several different parts of the “self”. Therefore we can experience the critic and be the critic at the same time.
Take a moment to imagine someone shouting at you and criticising you. How does it make you feel? Not nice is it. Stomach clenches, heart beats a little faster, shoulders droop in response to this dominance. Well the same happens when we’re harsh towards ourselves. Our own brain causes distress and triggers our stress system activating the sympathetic nervous system. Great eh? So not only do we experience stress created externally by the world around us, but our own brain creates stress by what we’re thinking about and saying to ourselves. So the first thing we can do is acknowledge this tricky brain that we all have and remind ourselves that this is not our fault. We’re wired this way and we’re all the same. Depending on our backgrounds this may happen more frequently especially if we’ve received a lot of criticism in the past , as our brains learn very quickly to activate the stress response to try and keep us safe. So ironically it might be that the function of your self critic is to get in first as it were, protecting you from the anticipated criticism of others.
Women generally face extremely unrealistic standards imposed by society to have it all and do it all perfectly. To look a certain way, to keep our homes and children fairly tidy and presentable and to excel at work. This can makes us prone to criticise ourselves when we’re falling below what we might think is the expected standard. So much pressure. So how do we break out of this?
Introducing the compassionate self. You may be even less aware of this part of yourself but undoubtedly she’s there. Usually championing others, our kids, our partners, friends, family and colleagues. An abundant source of support to others when they’re in need of encouragement, love, forgiveness, patience and strength. What if… we could redirect this compassion, towards ourselves? Well the good news is that we can! Research shows that those who are compassionate in their self talk, behaviour and attitude have lower levels of stress and greater levels of well being. Ok I’m interested tell me how 🙏
The good news is that you already know how. In fact for many of us it’s an instinct towards care that again is protective and crucial to our survival (survival focussed brain again) . You’ve seen mother mammals protecting their young, stroking them, soothing them and human parents telling their young children that they are safe, they are good and holding them. These affiliative bonds tap into the young’s safety system in the brain, the parasympathetic nervous system, keeping them calm and so they stay close, ensuring their survival. In humans, these early connections grow the young’s own internal safety system in the brain, so that eventually they learn how to regulate their own stress. We all have this capacity and we can all learn to grow this part of the brain and regulate our own nervous system. Because of the brain’s neuroplasticity, new connections can be formed and learning can continue right up until the end of life. So it’s never too late! One of the ways that we can learn to regulate our stress response is to manage the self critic by tapping into the brain’s soothing system via compassionate mind training. Here’s a few ways to build the compassionate self and challenge self criticism :-
1. Notice your thoughts. We have thousands of thoughts each day (the jury is out on the actual figure) so maybe don’t try to notice all of them but that’s thousands of opportunities to bring ourselves down or build ourselves up. Maybe you can start to notice which direction yours go.
2. If you notice some critical thoughts simply note this and try not to judge yourself for this. It can help to visualise this critical part. What would she look like, sound like and how does she make you feel? That way you’ll recognise her when she pops up again.
3. If you can, accept this part of yourself and with compassion remind yourself that it’s trying to help, trying to keep you on track. If you try to block these thoughts you’re likely to meet some resistance.
4. Next remind yourself that the self critic is one perspective within you and not factual. This in itself will help you to separate and diffuse from these thoughts, meaning you’ll see them for what they are- just thoughts.
5. Then try to tap into your compassionate self for an alternative perspective. To do this, consider what a good friend might say as a different way of looking at it. For example where the critic says, “You’ve been lazy today, do better tomorrow”, a good friend might say, “It’s okay to rest, you need to look after yourself too”.
6. You can also examine the evidence for and against what the critic is saying to help you see that the self critic ALWAYS focuses on what it perceives are the negatives. For example where it’s telling you that you’re a bad person, and reminding you of times when you feel you messed up, your compassionate self can remind you of how loved and appreciated you are, of times when you’ve been helpful to others etc. It can be a nice idea to keep a journal of kind things that people have told you about yourself, cards, thank yous, photos to bring out especially when you’re feeling very low and unhappy. These physical reminders can help you snap out of the negative spiral that the critic can create.
7. The compassionate self will remind you of your qualities, your strengths, that you are trying despite feeling fragile and that you are worthy just because you are you, not because of how productive you are. Some people like to use affirmations along these lines and you could have these on your fridge, your mirror or phone screen. Just make sure they’re relevant and not twee and change them up regularly so you notice them.
8. It can help to develop an image of your compassionate self. To do this you can imagine this part as a separate entity- the brain sometimes responds more to a helpful reminder or key to hook into a new concept. So take a moment to think about what you’d like your compassionate helper or nurturer to look and sound like. Then imagine them talking to you kindly. (Future post coming up about compassionate imagery to generate feelings of warmth).
9. Kristin Neff has lots of great resources for practicing self compassion along with breathing, visual imagery and mindfulness. Practicing self compassion regularly using such exercises can be really helpful if this doesn’t come naturally. A therapist trained in compassion focussed therapy can guide you through this or if you’re interested in self help here’s Kristin’s website.
10. If you find that you’re ruminating or going over and over a mistake for example, it’s time to distract yourself. Get up and go out, get active. You’ll possibly struggle to concentrate on work or reading a book while you’re stuck ruminating, so going out for a break, a walk and fresh air will be a good investment in the long run as you’ll probably be able to focus better after you’ve changed the channel.
11. Remember that the goal of the compassionate self is the same as the self critic in that it wants to help you, keep you safe and work towards your goals, but the way it goes about it is kinder and more helpful than the self critic. So when you invite your compassionate self to respond to your self critic consider how to encourage self development and self acceptance without being harsh, for example, there might be truth in the fact that you need to work on your public speaking skills. “Well done for standing up there, that took courage, and each time I’m getting better at public speaking. I could still work on keeping eye contact and throw in a few more anecdotes, so I’ll consider that next time, but I think generally it went pretty well”. This is not arrogant and big headed – it’s realistic and helpful and I’m more likely to keep going and feel better about myself. Give it a try and see what you come up with.
Image by Annie Spratt from Pixabay
Sea change 