Over the next few posts I’m going to write about little snippets of things that I and others have found useful and can help to improve the moment. I’ll give some rationale and some instructions but this is not supposed to replace psychological therapy. These things are best couched within a clear understanding of your difficulties and how the brain works, and a good psychologist would help you to do this first before implementing strategies designed to create shift and improve well being. Nevertheless many of the strategies that we teach in therapy are useful principles to adopt and weave into your lifestyle. Like any change oriented behaviour this takes practice. I’d always say to clients just pick one thing this week, keep an open mind and let’s give it a go, practicing daily if possible at a realistic time for you. One lady I worked with chose the time she was sitting with her young child as they went to sleep to practice her compassion imagery. Because this happened every night without fail in her daily routine, it was a good, peaceful time to work on this.
Firstly, and an important note, for those who have experienced trauma, any work like this must be preceded by stabilisation work including grounding strategies and compassionate resource building before working on observing and sometimes before working on breathing, because these interventions, if not planned carefully can be triggering. I’d always encourage you to work with a psychologist who specialises in trauma who can guide you through the work.
This first technique is an overarching principle within which other strategies can fall. Everyone loves a mnemonic don’t they? No just me? Okay bear with.
STOPP (sorry about the double p purists)! Stands for …..
Stop
Take a breath
Observe
Perspective
Plan
1. Stop
So often we are busy busy, on the go, possibly because this is our default setting, somewhere along the line we’ve been conditioned to think that being busy is best. Or perhaps it’s been an essential aspect of survival, especially if you’re a working mum. Don’t get me wrong it’s great for our mood to have a full life speckled with getting outdoors, exercising, being productive, achieving, striving and doing, but how often do we stop and just be? Even in our heads when we do stop, we might still be working through a to do list. This drive system is the part of the brain that gives us reward and feeds off reward. Dopamine is intricately involved in this system giving us a temporary high. During the Perimenopause we might really need these highs and rewards because fluctuations in oestrogen can reduce our dopamine levels. No wonder we’re drawn to those mood boosters that feed into the drive system. There’s nothing wrong with this if it’s equally balanced with non striving methods of self care and as long as it’s not harmful. (See my compassionate mind blog for more details on the three brain systems). The unintended consequences of spending most of our time in the drive system however, can include, burnout, aches and pains, stress, low mood, poor sleep and guilt. We have complicated brains that can notice and observe what we’re thinking and doing and this can bring further self judgement, stress, anxiety and low mood. We might respond by striving harder, promising to do better tomorrow, writing another to do list and oops we’re back into drive, fuelling the whole cycle again. So STOPP. Choose to stop yourself. In the moment. Just say stop. This is the first step. Well done for noticing and stopping!
2. Take a breath
You’ve stopped the rollercoaster, you’ve spotted it, the cycle, or the thoughts, or the rushing around, or the difficult emotions and you’ve said stop. Take a minute or two and take some deep breaths. I’ll be doing a short post on breathing (“Surely we can all breathe?!” I hear you say. Yes, but we can facilitate calm by using slow soothing rhythm breathing). Sit yourself down, perhaps take yourself away, look out of a window if possible or take yourself to the loo if you’re at work, turn the phone over or look away from the screen, or close your eyes or look down, whatever feels best. Breathe in through your nose if comfortable but this isn’t essential if you prefer to mouth breathe. Follow your instinct. Try to take a slower breath than normal but not so long that it feels unnatural. Perhaps four counts. Then blow out through your mouth or if alone, sighing works really well. Repeat, keeping the in and out breath the same number of counts. As you practice this you should try to make sure that your tummy expands ie moves out like a balloon filling up with air as you breathe in. Follow the air in through the nose down into the lungs filling up like a balloon, then the tummy moves back into place on the exhale, nice and slow.
Don’t rush this part of the whole STOPP. I used to just focus on these first two stages before moving on to teaching anything else. So you could simply use S and T and practice this, interrupting your busy busy drive and accessing your non striving calming brain system. When we access this part of the brain we tap into our parasympathetic nervous system and facilitate the brain’s production of oxcytocin, the warm fuzzy hormone that regulates stress. Oxytocin is involved in social bonding, love and feeling safe and is one of a group of feel good hormones, but unlike the hormones of the drive system, this doesn’t have to be worked for, doesn’t wear off quickly and has fewer unintended consequences.
3. Observe
So you’ve stopped, you’ve taken a moment and you’ve focussed on your breath for as long as that takes. Next observe. Notice. Be curious. What thoughts are running through my mind? Can I catch one and hear it , notice it, spot it so that I’m not just accepting it on auto pilot. You might notice that you’re having anxious thoughts, or critical thoughts, or just that there are many, thick and fast or few. Try to remain non judgemental and just observe. Observe your body (body scan post to follow too). Notice any tension or pain. Observe your emotions. Remaining non judgemental and fairly neutral at this stage. Simply label your observations if anything eg “I’m tense”, “I’m having anxious thoughts”.
4. Perspective
Next is an opportunity to respond to your observations, hopefully with compassion, kindness and wisdom. What might a good friend say to me right now? This can generate alternative perspectives from the one we might be experiencing in a moment of stress or upset. At these times our attention narrows, focussing on threat and whilst this is understandable, this practice enables you to see the bigger picture. There are lots of techniques that can generate this perspective taking but for now simply being aware that there might be another way of looking at things, and accepting that your feelings and thoughts are valid, is a great start.
5. Plan
Once you’ve responded to yourself with compassion and prompted compassionate thinking, next think about compassionate behaviour. What do I need in this moment? Do I need a break, to go outside for a walk, some fresh air, do I need to talk to someone, approach a situation and problem solve, do I need an early night, and develop a plan to do it and follow through. Even if you’re feeling a little better or the moment has passed, it’s likely that the situation that triggered the distress won’t go away on its own. So commit to follow through on what you identified that you need. This is why listening to our emotions is so important because they are messages trying to tell us something.
Important note:
When you stop and bring your awareness in this way it is possible that you might feel more. I say feel more rather than feel worse because the feelings are already there but if you’ve been blocking them out, ignoring them, ignoring stress or difficult thoughts, they don’t get worse, they just become apparent. This might be experienced by you as you feeling worse. This is a common reaction and many people consider stopping using the techniques or say it’s not working. Remember, the overall goal is not to feel great all of the time as this is not realistic. Neither is it to stop feeling. We need to learn to experience uncomfortable emotions and in the long run, this is a healthier approach, leading to us having a greater sense of self and improved wellbeing. So be compassionate and remind yourself that it is hard in the beginning and that you are brave to persevere, and that it will get easier.
Stay tuned… more little things to try coming up.
Sea change 