Think about it, if you grew up in the UK and many other western societies, when you leave school you’re just expected to know what to do next. Of course you don’t so you maybe choose the subject that you were good at at school and do some further study in that. Or you choose to start out on a career path that your parents have recommended because it will bring “financial stability” or you just pick anything mindlessly or fall into something and then just stay there. Because we need to survive and ultimately earn cash, there’s little thought given to what we actually want to be spending most of our daily lives doing or what would bring us fulfilment or joy. Then as a younger women you might feel that you must then meet your partner, find a flat and beyond that eventually consider having a family. Again this may not be mindfully attended to and chosen, rather something you somehow fall in to dictated by the rhythms and expectations in life. So it is very possible, that like me, you navigated yourself through these phases, one after the other in a kind of autopilot. Of course I made choices at every step and looking back I believe that I made the right ones in the circumstances at the time. I don’t believe in ruminating for too long about different paths I might have taken and try to adopt compassion for the younger me if I do look back. Life can be so flaming busy at times that there’s little opportunity to stop and reflect or tweak the life we have created for ourselves. When little people come along, our bodies are no longer our own, from the point of conception. It’s natural that women start to worry about the baby’s wellbeing and can feel guilty about the tiniest things, like eating a small cube of a forbidden cheese in pregnancy or not getting enough vitamins. All of a sudden this responsibility is thrust upon us and every choice we make now impacts on someone else’s life. As they grow up we get a little bit more independence back (like being able to use the loo with the door locked, or being able to have a night out). We’ll all say “I’m starting to feel more like myself” and it’s true, we go back to the same routine as before, but a busier one that might now incorporate three other people’s timetables. Despite working full or part time, we often do the lion’s share of the emotional raising of our children and making sure the household chores are completed. There’s no switch off, until our bodies collapse, either into bed or onto to the sofa for half an hour of tv.
In some ways, the symptoms of the perimenopause are the last straw emotionally and physically. Where we may have been able to get by neglecting our own needs for a long time, suddenly we start to feel noticeably more tired, or more withdrawn or more anxious or confused and possibly, without the right support, we might hit a wall. Without the right support we might blame ourselves, or hide it or feel ashamed. “Why am I not coping”, “Why am I so tired all the time?” “Why is my sex drive low?” “Am I losing the plot?”, “Why can’t I multi task anymore?” “I don’t even know what I like anymore or who I am”…I’m lucky that I spotted it. That something was amiss. It wasn’t just COVID world or a mid life crisis. Yes these things contributed I’m sure. I’m lucky that I am pretty self aware especially of my stress levels, my body and mindset. Being a Psychologist forces you to do this – it’s hard to survive otherwise. I was able to see that I need a rest and then a reset to make sense of everything and to find a way forward. Many more might not spot it, not see themselves spiralling, and they may block it out or cope in other ways until they hit that wall. My prayer is that when those souls turn for help, that they’ll be met with someone who can reassure them, that they’re not losing it, that many women face the same issues, that things can get much better with the right package of help plus lifestyle changes. For me the perimenopause has been a catalyst, an opportunity for change. Without wading through the fog, I wouldn’t have had this clarity. Don’t get me wrong – it still gets foggy and I definitely haven’t got it all figured out! I’m just another human being with a few insights and skills and I hope reading around my site you’ll find something that resonates.
Sea change 